Adam Chapman

Everyone Is Crazy

I really don’t know why I do it to myself. Once again social media has thrown up another annoyance that I despise but ultimately have to appreciate due being the fuel for another glorious rant. 

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed recently but everyone (and I mean everyone) is absolutely ‘crazy’. Honestly, if you were to take social media at face value and use no amount of critical thinking you would be met with the uncomfortable reality that everyone is absolutely losing their god damn brains. 

This comes after seeing yet another tag epidemic on some form of picture with the title along the lines of “When you and your best friend are together” with some cooky and mad picture. You know the types, like someone eating a cheesecake while on one of those inflatable gladiator type amusement games. 

Now, it’s not like me to be cynical…(I’ll let that one rest there for a moment) but I’m willing to bet most of what’s left in my bank account to say there’s a 99.99% chance you and your best friend have NEVER done that. 

It just bought me back to a time, around 13/14, one of those awkward ages where everyone was so convinced they were ‘So random’ and this constituted a character defining trait. When you’re that age it’s just fine, you’re still trying to figure out who you are, but come on, some of you now are of the age where you are responsible for kids. That honestly just isn’t on. 

I find people striving to be ‘weird’ as just the ultimate cover up for the tedious boredom of their personalities. Having an in joke with your best friend is not exactly the definition of being ‘wild’. This may come as a shock but most people with basic social skills have probably at one point or another had a shared joke with a close acquaintance. 

Now, when growing up, there were a few people in the local town who you would define as weird. This isn’t Stacey and Grace sharing a bottle of wine weird, but actually “There might be something seriously wrong with that person” weird. I suppose you call these types of people ‘characters’. Locals, known to everyone but only seen occasionally. Like a mythical beast of fables past. 

There was one guy in particular that my mum pointed out whilst driving about. She stopped for a moment (that was scary when riding as a passenger) and went “That’s the guy”. For a split second I had a million possibilities running through my head about who “The guy” could be and what horrific impact he had on my dear mother’s life. “That guy is always walking, I swear, no matter the time of day, he’s walking this same street all the time, wearing the exact same clothes, talking to himself”. 

Now, most of us I’m sure have walked on a street before, most of us do it daily, but to be noticeably walking on the same patch of road at 6am or 9.30pm without fail, without direction whilst mumbling to yourself, that’s pretty bloody weird. Certainly a lot more weird than making a crass joke with your bezzie. 

However as we always do at The Bickering Press, once a problem has been identified we look to fix it. It might be a totalitarian fantasy but I’m sure one day society shall be reworked to fit the ideals of TBP. 

So let’s just pretend for a moment that everyone tagging their buddies on Facebook in one of those crazy pictures is in fact absolutely bat-shit psychotic, how are we ever going to progress as a society when the majority of the population is in fact clinically insane? 

Well in times of great despair, there’s only one person who can save society. That person is normally in a tight fitting suit, has more free time than is normally acceptable and a sleep pattern to match. No I’m not talking about another local weirdo, I’m talking about super heroes.

For those familiar with Batman, in one of his ventures, a part of Gotham city is walled off with all the local criminals and nutcases contained inside to run riot as much as they want. Technically it’s containment and if Trump and Berlin have shown one thing, it’s that walls are quite a divisive topic of discussion. However in the story of Batman this works out for a bit until ultimately it bubbles over and causes a world ending crisis that he must save the people from.

Luckily in my plan it won’t take too long, you just need to set a wall up around certain parts of each and every town, chuck all the local characters who everyone agrees are crazy in and allow those who feel the need to brag about how ‘kooky’ they are to decide if they still want to be seen as crazy and wild. In effect it’s looking through the eye of the needle. A shot of reality to the arm that’ll almost immediately snap them out of this weird tendency to brag about the obscene.

As always, this plan may be seen as relatively extreme but I’ve conducted at least a few hours of thought (or research as I like to call it) into this and have thus concluded that this is unfortunately the only option.

Trust me, in the long run it’s for the best.