Eye of Newt and Toe of Frog

It’s shit when some waste of DNA wrongs you, nicks something from you or damages something you own for no other reason than they can and so they do.

Petty crimes like lifting your push iron, keying your car or nicking your wallet, the latter being the event inspiring the writing of this rant tonight.

In the scheme of things it’s no big deal, despite usually incurring at least some financial loss, but that does not mean it won’t ruin your day and tilt your psychological balance for some time to come. It also doesn’t mean you can’t hate the little fucker and dream of what you’d like to do to them if you could get your hands on them.

The truth of the matter is we all have to acknowledge the fact that sod all is going to get done by anyone in these situations, you included probably…unless you have ‘connections’, which most of us don’t. You could report the crime to the police but let’s face it nothing will get done following that path either. No, I’m not going to go off on one about coppers for two reasons: one, I’m not fucking stupid and two, all the coppers I have had dealings with have been pretty spot on. Men and women doing the job to the best of their abilities, a job I might add I would not have the stones to perform. Well, when I say ‘all the coppers’ I’m not sure I can include traffic plod in that group, as in the past I’ve had some interesting encounters with them. Let me tell you a story…

When I was younger I was into speed (the velocity, not the drug) and I looked upon speed limits as guidance for other lesser road users like car, bus and white van drivers not motorcyclists like me. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t exactly Barry Sheene and was probably in the bottom third of the fastest of the group of mates I rode round with but I did have my moments. One time I was pulled over for my good-natured exuberance by a bike cop and his opening line to me was: “Any reason you’re being a dickhead?!” This when that very morning I had heard on the news that the traffic police were to implement a politeness policy when talking to road users to prevent any nasty confrontations leaving a gulf in police/public relations. Obviously PC 666 hadn’t heard about it yet so to lighten the moment I decided a little jocular, friendly banter would not go amiss. “Don’t you mean, any reason you’re being a dickhead, sir?” I said. Obviously he fined me and shoved 3 points on my licence quicker than I could say, “Does pinching me get you another raffle ticket for the Christmas party then, Judge Dredd?” At which point he doubled the fine. And that could have be seriously unfair because if I was travelling against the rotation of the earth I would have been under the speed limit by something in the region of 650mph. You can’t argue with physics…unless you’re a traffic cop.

Back to the petty crimes which we started with. The rozzers are not going to green-light the whirlybird to dust off in search of your stolen Raleigh Chopper for many reasons but one of them is the chance of solving the insult done to you is on a downward arc of chance from nil to fuck all. We have to accept we are rarely going to get our gear back because despite what all TV detectives are capable of with the flimsiest of evidence real crime goes mostly unsolved. Only 9% of crimes committed end up with a suspect being charged and that includes all the proper bad stuff when people get hurt or worse. Whoever scratched ‘WANKER’ into the side of your Lexis with a Yale is never going to get caught; that may be sad but it’s true. And to be honest I’d rather have police resources being used to catch a fucking nutter stabbing people than 60 flat-foots trying to trace the missing garden gnome from the side of the fish pond at number 16. Think about…I know you agree.

That aside, it still doesn’t quell that burning in your gut for revenge on the thieving bastard that at this moment could be happily buying thirty quid’s worth of Stella and ciggies, multiple times, with your contactless debit card.* So what are we going to do about this far from perfect state of affairs? Guess what, I have an idea that is brilliant in its design and totally legal…we are going to curse the motherfuckers that have wronged us. That’s right we are going over to the dark side to pull justice, like a string of silk scarves, from a wizard’s sleeve. (Which is exactly the same as a clown’s pocket but more magical.)

Think about it, anytime you’ve had something nicked or damaged you must have at some point said something like: “I hope the twat gets run over,” or “I hope the prick loses his prick in a chop saw accident,” or “I hope they get dust in their eyes and walk into a door.” (That last one is something those of you with more sympathetic vibes might choose.) No? No-one does this? Only me? Liars. What if we can replace that ‘hope’ with something stronger, something more proactive, how cool would that be? You with me now? Yeah, too right you are. So let’s use the dark arts of witchcraft to actually curse the living shit out of the wrong ‘uns that have wronged us.

Using witchcraft in the past was certainly a dodgy way to conduct yourself in daily life and you could end up hanged, crushed, burned, drowned, or many other methods, to death. It was not wise back then to skewer a frog and tell the local miller his corn would turn to ash…or to own a black cat…or to generally be an old woman. But since 1951 (yes, amazingly, it took that long) witchcraft is no longer illegal to practice here so we can hex away to our aggrieved hearts’ content without having to worry about The Witchfinder General toasting our genitals with a red hot poker.

I intend to set up a company, ‘Damn & Blast Inc.’ that will sell you all you need to set the hounds of Hell on the bastard that stole your phone whilst you innocently and legally paddled in the sea. You’ll get a little asexual doll (women can be thieving bastards too), an assortment of nails and cutting and smashing implements and a collection of incantations to choose from to fit your specific needs. For example…

‘Bring the darkness forth to rise
Curse be placed upon their eyes
Spoken spells and magic charms
Break the little bastard’s arms’

There will also, for an additional cost, be a book available on how to write your own quality curses like the example I have penned so you can concoct a tailor-made curse to suit the crime committed against you and the punishment you deem appropriate. It’s natural, no, it’s super-natural justice in action.

“But witchcraft is a load of old bollocks, Sif, it won’t work.”

Okay, I see your point but ask yourself this…does it matter? I personally can’t say I’ve ever seen something that makes me think the supernatural world exists but I have heard tales from others, who have no gain from lying to me, that illustrate a contrary view. The world was once considered flat (still is by some) but now we know different, who is to say we aren’t wrong about Magick and Witchcraft; maybe they are real things too on some level or spectrum of vibration we have yet to understand. So, if witchcraft is real our curses will work and justice will be served. If the opposite is true and witchcraft is all hocus-pocus nonsense, maybe all that will happen is that we will feel better venting our anger on an inanimate doll, thus taking away the stress we have been feeling because of the unwelcome invasion into our lives. Externalising the rage will enable us to move on more quickly, adding no more tears to that puddle of undeserving milk. Surely it’s a win/win for us either way because to dwell on shit we can’t change or influence is one possible route to damaged minds in my opinion.

On a third hand, there is a theory that curses work on the nocebo effect – that’s the negative of the placebo effect – and it suggest that curses only work because those who know they are under a curse make them work by believing in them being real, whether they are or not. It’s the same as sledging in cricket, you attack a player’s confidence and they fail in the manner you suggested they would; they are the willing architect of their own downfall. It’s psychological warfare at its best. Think about it, the kits from ‘Damn & Blast Inc.’ will become common knowledge through the national media coverage they are bound to attract (it may be legal but a ‘Satanism’ story always fills columns) and the crooks know victims of crime will employ those kits to get cosmic revenge, therefore there is bound to be at least some nocebo effect on a proportion of the baddies (they are bastards but they’re still only human bastards) and who is to say it’s not the one you cursed it affects? Makes sense to at least have a go now doesn’t it?

As for the wallet thief that inspired this rant I have been finding it hard to put into rhyming verse/curse the justice I think you are due (for the record it involves a two foot length of rough-cut timber, a hydraulic ram and a tub of hot sand mixed with chili powder…I’ll let your imagination run with that one) but I have sat in a room lit by candles with a mist of incense swirling about my head willing it upon you. Take this as notification that you have been cursed you thieving sack of shit and I hope with all my heart that witchcraft really does work.

That feels some much better now…

*For years we got told by the banks: ‘Keep your pin number safe; don’t let others know it or see it’ but then they issue us with contactless cards (I didn’t even know mine was contactless until recently) bit of a security policy U-turn, isn’t it? I know you have to tell your bank when your card is stolen but what if you don’t notice for a while, I have my doubts the bank would refund the contactless payments made by the thief in the meantime. After all it could have been you making the security-free transactions and you’re lying about the theft. It’s almost like the banks want you to end up overdrawn and then facing charges to make them ever more money from you but I can’t see such an upright, honest industry doing that…can you? Please, fill the comments with examples and I may also rant some more on this topic in the future.