Adam Chapman

If Carlsberg did this, it would probably be awful

We all remember that “Carlsberg don’t do [insert anything] but if they did…” advertising campaign that showed Carlsberg producing the best of everything. From dream apartments to supermarkets, they were the absolute epitome of excellence. It’s just a shame their beer is so horrendously bad. It’s cheap, it’s cheerful but it’s basically like someone chucked a few ice cubes in your pint 10 minutes ago and you didn’t notice. It’s a beer that’s only refreshing because it’s served just above freezing. Ever had a warm Carlsberg? There is literally no point in drinking it. It’ll give you the symptoms of a hangover before you’ve even finished your first bottle.

In this spirit, let’s take a realistic look at what it would be like if Carlsberg did anything apart from making sub-standard lager.

If Carlsberg did football stadiums.

It would be too easy here to just suggest Anfield here due to their long-lasting sponsorship of Liverpool but you know what Anfield is actually quite a nice stadium with a cracking atmosphere so it’s off the cards. It would probably have to be home to Millwall, The Den. I don’t think there are many people in the world who could count to the number of split heads this stadium has produced over the years. The atmosphere is toxic and the football played on the pitch isn’t much better. This really is the extremes of English football, still trying desperately to keep up the old school hooligan/firm traditions of the 70s/80s/90s.

If Carlsberg did flatmates

All your food goes missing before you’ve even unpacked your bags. Although having their own en suites your flatmates decided to piss in your cupboard. That one time your family over they decided it was a good time to walk around fully naked having not washed for 3 days. They still owe you over £200 for the electricity bill and never remember their keys when returning at 4.30am. They constantly hit on your significant other and one of them keeps sending them dick pics whilst sat on the sofa opposite. You have no idea how he got their number.

If Carlsberg did dating 

It’s a blind date obviously, but the person who has set it up hasn’t met either party. You arrive to find your date completely hammered. They’ve already thrown up the 6 Carlsbergs they had before you got there and the manager of the restaurant has footed you the bill. You get up to leave and realise you’ve accidentally climaxed in front of everyone. Upon this embarrassment, you look around and realise it’s a school reunion and work’s Christmas party all in one…You weren’t invited to either. Finally, you realise your date is a long lost cousin.

If Carlsberg did weddings. 

This would be a disaster from start to finish. Your grandma is getting fingered in the front row by the groom mere moments before the organ starts playing and the bride makes her way down the aisle. Everyone has the exact same stain down their shirt and the food has been undercooked leading to an increasingly large line for the 1 toilet available in the venue. It’s the most chaotic and stressful day you’ve ever experience, but aren’t all weddings like that…minus the grandma thing. That’s a Carlsberg exclusive.

If Carlsberg did Lord Of The Rings 

The hobbits manage to make it Rivendell only to realise they’ve left the ring in Frodo’s hobbit hole (OOo-Errr missus) and so venture back to go get it. Everyone can’t be bothered to hang around in Rivendell for any longer so they all head away and a fellowship is never formed. Frodo is killed by the first Orc he encounters. Sam slips and hits his head on a rock. Merry and Pippin never existed.

If Carlsberg did Brexit

Pretty much whats happening right now.