I’m sure this happens to all of us at times when you come across something so left field, so bizarre you have to look into it further to satisfy a curiosity so urgent that it would lay waste to a clowder, no problem. This was the case for me when I read an article about a woman who had married the ghost of a long-dead 17th-century pirate; who wouldn’t, how cool is that? The thing being is it wasn’t a legally binding marriage, obviously, and was a wedding ceremony in name only. However
It all started during World War I when the French government allowed some women to marry soldiers who had died in service of their country, which seems reasonable enough. Later, in the 1950s, people without
This got me wondering and I wondered if I was in a position whereby I could bag myself a highly eligible mariée
With a rich, dead wife to look after my every need (almost every, let’s not get too weird; that gives ‘pussy’ a whole new meaning) denied to me I wondered if there were any other strange matrimonial bindings around and as per normal the good old human race did not leave me wanting. People have married all kinds of shit (possibly literally but I found no instances of that; maybe you’re married to a turd?) and done so in what appears to be all seriousness. I know you want to know so here are some of things people, men and women, have married: The Berlin Wall, a Ferris wheel, a fence panel, a warehouse, bridges, trees, cardboard cut-outs of people (usually celebrities, of course), a train station, a mobile phone (not a hard stretch for some of you reading this, I’m sure), video game characters, the Eiffel Tower, a radio, a pillow…that enough yet? It was for me. How feckin’ mental have we got as a species for this kind of thing to be happening in today’s…actually, wait a second, I might be having an epiphany here. Maybe there is something to this after all; could it be I have lived a life of blinkered romantic restriction?
Let’s, for the sake of research, imagine ourselves wed to a hypothetical fence panel, the garden divider of our dreams. Like all relationships there will be positives and negatives, we’ll start with the pluses first.
Differences of opinion will be few and far between and you would be unlikely to be constrained by their jealousy or manipulation. Aside from some creosote every other year they couldn’t be called high-maintenance in a financial sense. With them being an outdoor type of character the bed is all yours and thus no duvet tug-of-war to deal with every night. No TV remote hogging, no nibbling on finger and/or toe nails, no comments on how you’ve let yourself go since getting hitched; I must admit it’s looking rather more appealing than I first thought.
Over to the dark side now. Intimacy could be awkward and you run a high risk of splinters in delicate areas. Although they do have a steady job, it’s more of a calling than a paying position so they won’t help out with the utilities bills. They’ll never be the designated driver nor lend you their coat (not even one of creosote) when you’re cold or it’s raining. Without doubt they would be the worst Trivial Pursuits partner ever, in the sense you can’t blame them for your wrong answer like in a normal relationship. No spontaneity, romance, small talk, emotional support or knock-knock jokes. Now I’m swinging back to thinking this is as mad as I first thought it was.
We’re on a journey together here, exploring in real-time and I hope you’re finding it as infuriating as I am.
With our insight on the subject slightly deeper, it could be that some of you thinking you are already partnered up with a metaphorical fence panel. A heartless wooden bastard/bitch who pays little attention to you until it comes to rubbing up against each other and risking splinters. (You can all make your own ‘wood’ jokes, it is beneath me to stoop to such a low.) In
Imagine what it must be like to have libido
At first glance marrying the deceased or a bridge or a car or any other inanimate object seems totally bonkers but then when you look around and see some of the people who have married another, highly unsuitable and/or undesirable, living breathing human, it’s time to ask…who are the ones with a problem? My inclination is that we all have some degree of libido
I’ve got it! I’ll marry a bank! The Bank of England…and I’ll have an affair with the International Monetary Fund on the side, the bank won’t care. I’ve done it, I’m finally going to come into money. (Yes, I really am obscenely pleased with myself for that joke.)
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