Adam Chapman

Please Fuck Off #1 Facebook & Instagram Comedians

Welcome to a new series I’m launching here at The Bickering Press called please fuck off.

Each week I’ll be picking someone or something that is just truly grinding my gears. I’m sure I’ll be called petty, jealous and a snob but for fuck sake guys, someone needs to speak out.

This week’s lucky winners are Facebook & Instagram comedians…and I use the word comedians loosely.

I’ll start off with the Instagram Comedians, you know ones, the creators of those short videos, headlines and emoji’s galore with something as broad as “When you breathe oxygen haha LOL smiley face, tag your friends” bullshit.

My personal grievance is just that NOTHING NEW HAPPENS, it’s a short video filled with outdated cliches. For example, one I saw the other day was titled “When he doesn’t text back” and it shows some girl crying eating ice cream. awesome guys, super original horrendously hilarious, what is that sound I hear? oh, it’s my sides splitting clearly.

Most of the video’s don’t even have a punchline, they just chuck some tune that holds a slither of similarity to the content matter in the hope that the part of your brain that deals with laughter lets out a chuckle by misinterpreting familiarity for something genuinely laugh-inducing.

If by some impossibility neither of these tactics have succeeded the final go to, Hail Mary play for the Instagram comedian is to chuck some mildly attractive girl into the “Sketch” plaster her all over the thumbnail and hope through some coincidence she has to partially strip for some reason. It really is just appealing to the lowest common denominator. That or teenage kids, whose parents have chucked on an overly strict internet blocker, trying to somehow get their rocks off.

The Instagram discovery page is the worst offender for pushing forward this sort of crap however slowly but surely they’re spreading across to Facebook like some vile rash your Grandma Mildred developed after her two-week cruise.

The main issue with the attempts made on Facebook is that the videos can last longer, meaning primarily if there was a joke it’s been overplayed to an excruciatingly painful degree and if there isn’t then it becomes a test of endurance to see if you can make it to the end.

The one video I saw that did truly inspire me to write this piece was a recent “hit” by Brad Holmes. If you don’t know the name you probably have seen someone share the video with words like “Classic” or “Haha this is bare jokes” the basic premise, when the channel started, was as simple as “Look at my girlfriend isn’t she stupid as shit” often asking her to name capitals or solve riddles and getting oh so preciously mixed up. Fair enough I thought and let it slide. MY OH MY how wrong I was. The most recent attempts at showing his girlfriends stupidity is actually becoming kind of worrying.

The reason I find his latest attempts to grasp views worrying is that people actually still believe her answers are genuine…If they were I’d suggest 24 hours a day constant supervision just to make sure she isn’t so stupid she forgets to breathe. She basically believed an exercise bike wasn’t working as she wasn’t moving anywhere. That’s it. Yet somehow that video was shared by some of the most widely followed Facebook groups and viewed millions upon millions of times with people actually believing it to be genuine. From appearances, I’d guess her to be in her 20’s. Now, are you truly trying to tell me that a 20 something-year-old British lady has never seen, heard of or been on an exercise bike?