• Sif

    Move Yer Arse

    Spry. Sprightly. Fleet of foot. This is my default mode when it comes to perambulation. I like to get about at a pretty handy speed when wandering about, get to the place I need to be to perform the act I need to perform then get the fuck out of Dodge. ‘Stride out, get out’ being the motto I live by generally when it comes to walking. I do have other pedestrian velocities to call upon depending on the situation. A venture into the big outdoors can easily be performed at an amble, taking in all the goodness of the fresh air and scenery of the locale. In transit between…

  • Sif

    School’s Out Out Out!

    Last week school students took to the streets to protest about climate change, going on strike from school to demand their voices be heard regarding the future being bequeathed to them be one to their liking. Thousands took part, waving placards and chanting catchy slogans: “What do we want!? Climate change sorting out! When do we want it!? During double maths!” It was quite a sight to witness the younger generation up in arms and passionate, I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many sanctimonious, self-righteous snotbags in one place. Aww, and their cute little placards: ‘THERE IS NO PLANET B’, ‘WE WON’T DIE OF OLD AGE, WE’LL DIE OF…

  • Sif

    It’s The Final Breakdown

    The other day a shared post on Facebook got my head cogs into gear and this is why I am tapping away at the keyboard tonight. The post said this: ‘Whether the introduction of glass coffins catches on remains to be seen.’ That tickled me, puns being far funnier than things like terminal illness and ‘Gavin and Stacey’, although in which order is up for debate. As I looked at the photo of the transparent corpse container I, for reasons unknown, thought of a food blender and why it was we don’t liquidise mortal remains for ease of transport and disposal? Sadly this was only the start of a plunge…

  • Sif

    Sleight of Sign

    I like to think of myself as cucumberesque, that my cage is difficult to rattle and my stack is rarely blown. (The crude oral sex reference you just thought of is all your own work.) Admittedly I do live my life on the edge of a permanent, yet silent, nark but rarely do I get that cold twist in my stomach that leads me to rise to any bait. Today was different, today I got the proper hump. In my defence it was quite early in the morning and as I am not one of those weird ‘larks’ who are cheerful as soon as the sun rises, I am taking…

  • Sif

    C2H60 + H2O + C10H16O2 + C3H8 = R4NK

    B.O. It’s not fun. I don’t I have it, or at least none of my friends have said anything as yet, what I mean is B.O. wafting from other people is not fun. There’s nothing worse than getting a nose full of someone who has been a stranger to bathing for a while, their stale odour crawling its way down your airways to flip your stomach. Actually, that’s not true, there is something worse and that’s standing in a queue with someone who does have B.O. and having a mental breakdown hoping that no one else present thinks it’s you that has the bodily musk of a landfill site. I…

  • Sif

    It’s Natural History, Dahling

    Screen whores. We’re all guilty in some degree of partaking in the world’s newest profession, from the shameless full-on prostitution performed by reality TV stars to occasionally turning the odd trick in a friend’s video or attempt at whacky party photography. It’s our chance at grabbing what we think is a slice of the immortality pie, to be remembered forever; or at least as long as this internet fad lasts or the world implodes due to the weight of stupidity humanity revels in. It’s not my pint of beer but in essence it seems harmless enough to shove your face into a lens and spout shite until you pass out…

  • Sif

    Tax Has Never Tasted So Sweet

    The sugar tax on soft drinks came into being nearly a year ago (April 2018) and it is estimated it will raise approximately £240M at the end of its first 12 months of application. It was expected to be double that figure initially but many manufacturers changed their drinks recipes, dropping the amount of sugar used, thus avoiding the levy. This tax was designed to be passed onto the consumer in totality to bring about a change in people’s consumption habits and therefore make for healthier lifestyles and lower childhood obesity. In addition to that the monies raised are to be used (allegedly) to fund newer and more PE equipment…

  • Sif

    To Follow the Trend or Bucket?

    The ‘bucket list’ is something of a new thing with me, I certainly never came across the phrase in my youth, and some suggest it is a phenomenon linked to the 2007 movie of the same name. In its purest form it is a list made by someone who knows they are going to die soon and it is a last minute dash to achieve things of note or long held desire before it is too late. Although more commonly of recent times these lists are being made by those who don’t even know Death’s address let alone being anywhere near his door. Basically, to my mind, this new fashion…

  • Sif

    Eye of Newt and Toe of Frog

    It’s shit when some waste of DNA wrongs you, nicks something from you or damages something you own for no other reason than they can and so they do. Petty crimes like lifting your push iron, keying your car or nicking your wallet, the latter being the event inspiring the writing of this rant tonight. In the scheme of things it’s no big deal, despite usually incurring at least some financial loss, but that does not mean it won’t ruin your day and tilt your psychological balance for some time to come. It also doesn’t mean you can’t hate the little fucker and dream of what you’d like to do…

  • Sif

    Something Needs To Be Done About…

    There’s a trend among the movers and shakers that stokes the fires of passion and invariably garners great rounds of applause from some, yet it leaves me colder than a delusional detached head in a cryogenic lab’s freezer (you’re dead and you’re not coming back as a cyborg, get over it). It involves the raising of emotive issues purely for the benefit of making the speaker look worthy and/or caring but in truth the words have the substance of a raincoat made of smoke. Here is a verbatim(ish) account of something one of the panel said on the BBC’s ‘Question Time’ the other night… “It’s terrible the way this thing…