Adam Chapman

The 7 Deadly Sins As Portrayed On Your Night Out

Many of us know that drinking to excess is bad for us. The Hangover the next morning is supposed to act as a warning sign and I’m sure we’ve all uttered the now infamous words “I’m never drinking again”. Weight gain, fatigue, heightened risk of depression, liver cirrhosis all effects of long-term heavy drinking but we all know that don’t we?

Taking the obviously physical health risks out of the equation the even bigger threat is one of a spiritual level. Did you know that every night out you have you’re at risk of committing all 7 of the deadly sins. Also known as the cardinal sins or cardinal vices, these 7 behaviours are ones that breed immorality in humans and damnation of the soul.


When saying “A night out” I’m not on about the one post work pint on a Friday evening, I’m on about the wild nights when you rock up to your flat at 7am, not knowing how you got there and thanking your lucky stars you still have your keys. The weekend ruiners, that as you get older steal more and more days as you recover.

Without further ado, lets save that soul of yours, so if there is an afterlife, a judgement day, a meeting with St Peter at the pearly gates when you pop your clogs you already know what you’re apologising for.


Pride 

Let’s start off with pride. You’ve taken your time getting ready, ironed your favourite shirt and maybe dropped a selfie or two online. You’re feeling good and you think you’re looking good. You’ll still tell your friends you just chucked any old thing on and didn’t give it a second thought. CLEAR BULLSHIT.

Maybe you’ve dragged your friends out to celebrate your big achievement that no on else really thinks is that big of a deal, but that you’re going to keep mentioning at any given smoke break.


Once you’ve had a few drinks you’ll want to be heard and believe that everyone else wants to listen. You’re the most interesting person in this bar you keep telling yourself and how could you be wrong? you’re never wrong about anything.

Lust

This one is pretty self-explanatory. If you’re single, one major reason why you go out is to meet someone attractive. You’re probably not going to meet your future spouse but that’s not what you’re really after.

This is all purely physical, do you really care that their best mate works in that cafe you went to once? You’re not going to remember that in the morning, you can barely remember where you work at the moment and you deffo can’t remember their name.

Envy

So your attempts at chatting someone up have gone to shit because you might have had one lemonade too many. That someone is now interested in your mate. Why’s everyone laughing at your mates jokes and not yours? As you decided earlier, you’re the most interesting person here, so why the hell is everyone gripped by your mates every word?

To forget this you head off to the bar to get another drink. Why has that guy been served before you? Why is someone buying that girl a drink? This is out of order, this isn’t fair in the slightest, you’re fuming.


Wrath

This leads us on to wrath. Your night isn’t going well and the slightest thing is going to set you off and thwack. Someone has just accidentally stumbled into you and you’ve spilt your drink all down your top. An argument naturally starts and sometimes even a scuffle. You think you’re Rocky Balboa when in reality you have the fighting prowess of an intoxicated possum. A sober man would have realised that it was merely a mistake and bound to happen in a crowded bar, but the multiple whiskey chasers have somewhat warped your mind.

This is also the time that everyone who’s ever wronged you in your life needs to hear about it through a text at 3am “yourhouf a fiiking boiuch” it’ll read, followed by 7 missed calls and a voicemail saying something about that thing that happened in 2014.

Greed 

Do you need that final drink? Yeah you do, and you’re gonna let no one talk you out of it. 1 sip in you realise, probably wasn’t the best idea. It’s home time.

You’re drawn in by the bright lights, they’re pretty much leading you home, Kebab? Pizza? Chicken? The world is your oyster. After purchasing more food than one man needs you’re now on a mission. The quicker you can get home the quicker you can risk food poisoning.

Gluttony 

Look at yourself. Take a long hard look at yourself. You’re on your sofa barely awake trying to stuff down the 3-course gourmet dinner you’ve picked up for a fiver on the way home. Where is your mouth? who cares! just keep pushing food in that general direction, you’ll figure it out.

Sloth

Are you getting out of bed today? fat chance, it’s already 2 pm that means the day is pretty much over right? Sleep is your only option today and with the calming tones of David Attenborough, you drift in and out of consciousness. Same again next weekend.

You’ll be fine you keep telling yourself. The blood of Christ tastes just like wine so what’s the real harm in having a few drinks eh? It’s what he would have wanted. Damnation can go to hell.