Adam Chapman

What Your Birthday Says About You

Another day, another insufferable social media trend.

We’ve all seen them by now, those pictures or videos with each and every month laid out with a corresponding image representing that if you were born in January Taylor Swift is your spirit animal or some bollocks.

This is normally accompanied by the poster of said image or video asking you “Which one are you? Tag your friends” with about a million crying laughing emojis.

That’s fine I’ll just scroll past this and…wait a goddamn second that post has over 20,000 comments. What in all that is holy is going on? This is a goldmine for traffic, some genius has just won the social media marketing game. This is a miracle. Well, I guess I should just give up all these rants and just put mundane, pointless pictures of the 12 months suggesting that if you’re born in September you’re a chocolate Doughnut instead of those peaky December folk being the raspberry jam types.

Why has this come about and more importantly, why are people engaging with it and when will it go away?

I swear to god, there’s no link, I’ve seen about 8 different ones suggesting that my June birthday means in the Marvel Universe I’m Spiderman…but also The Hulk? Captain America and Thor?. It changes from image to image but personally I wouldn’t want to see that genetic splicing in one person, that’d make for some ugly scenes. Also, I hate the Marvel Universe but that’s another rant for another time.

It’s the comments underneath I found incredible. People tagging their friends like “I always knew you were Iron Man” again a flurry of emojis and the response of “I wanted to be Spiderman though” well guess what buddy, just look for it and it’ll be on there. This one isn’t the definitive edition, it’s not like this actually means anything in the big scheme of things. I hope people actually do realise there is actually no corresponding link between certain months and certain characters, no that’d require too much work and research from the poster.

I just love the idea of dynamics within friendships groups changing due to this arbitrary form of ranking. Some lad who’s always felt a lack of respect from his peers finds out that apparently, he’s The Hulk. This inspires him to just starts fighting back against the bullying we call friendship. It’s his time to shine because the internet told him to. Every time he gets down about life, he tells himself “But you’re The Hulk…The Hulk doesn’t get down…He gets angry and you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” and just before he has a breakthrough to spiritual enlightenment his mum calls him down for dinner.

Don’t even get me started on star signs. If that’s in your Tinder bio, expect a left swipe. I know beggars can’t be choosers but in this instance, I think it’s for the best. It’s like when people say to me “Oh, you’re such a Gemini” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?!?!?! so everyone born in a certain time period apparently displays certain character traits. That doesn’t make sense, I have a number of friends born in October and only 25% of them are absolute wankers. “Well, a Gemini would say that”…go away. Thank you.

I honestly don’t think I’ve seen a more pointless bit of content to enter the world of the internet. Can we all just agree right now that we won’t like, comment, share any of that to these pointless things? It’s like the attention seeking kid in school. The teacher always said “Don’t encourage them” and looking back they were actually words of wisdom.

These internet posts are that kid, if we pay them no attention they might actually try harder to make a better impression. Who knows, they might actually put more effort in and one day be on their way to Oxbridge. Wouldn’t that be an inspiring story? Probably not though because that kid was born in March and so has surrendered to the fact they’ll be the class clown because some guy on a laptop somewhere across the planet made an image that told him so.